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Sex Question: Why Can’t I Orgasm With a Man?

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Dear Dr. H,

I can only have an orgasm if I am by myself with direct clitoral stimulation–I cannot orgasm with a man present. I was molested when I was seven years old; could this have something to do with it? When my husband and I have sex I like it, but it doesn’t last longer than five minutes. He tries to please me and he thinks he does, because I’ve never told him about my past. If something doesn’t change, our marriage will not last. Do you have any advice for me?

A. I think it’s time to have an honest conversation with your husband. Not only are you not enjoying sex, but it sounds like you are beginning to feel resentful. What you are experiencing is quite common–many women have an easy time experiencing orgasm during masturbation, when they can focus solely on their own pleasure, yet find it difficult or impossible to climax with someone else. Often, this is because they’re more concerned with their partner’s pleasure than their own. At the same time, you’re wondering when you will finally get to experience the pleasure that you desire, which breeds resentment in a relationship. It can be difficult to talk about your own pleasure and what you need and want, but I believe it’s the only solution. I’d also suggest seeing a sex therapist who can help you start to heal from your history of sexual abuse. Without dealing with this part of your past, it might be difficult to ever fully enjoy sex with your partner–and you deserve to experience that pleasure! A therapist can also help you broach the topic with your husband and give you tools to bring you two closer together.

Readers, do you have any other questions about orgasms? Let’s talk about them here!



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